The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
