I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
