someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
