I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
