The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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