You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
