Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
