if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
