That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
