I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
