12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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