she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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