Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
