We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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