it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
