she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
