I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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