My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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