A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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