im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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