Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
