Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
