pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
