omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
