Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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