What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
