Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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