I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think my moral compass just broke
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