drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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