I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
