Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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