My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
