In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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