The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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