I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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