the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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