All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
