I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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