You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
