once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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