don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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