1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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