I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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