you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
