and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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