Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
