Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
