We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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