Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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