the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
