3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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