1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
