you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
