my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
