proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
