I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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