Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
